Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another installment of the top-rated show on the Silverback Sports Network. Today we bring you live coverage from the 10th floor of the Frost Bank Tower in downtown Austin, Texas. The 10th floor is the daytime home of the Legal Department and is a working office. According to the receptionist, at least 90% of the 150 people with desks on this floor showed up for work today.
The air here is an even 72 degrees, so there shouldn’t be any issues of overheating today. Cubicles and hanging file cabinets dominate today’s arena. Most of the unsuspecting people are lawyers, paralegals, and legal assistants. We’ve heard there are even a few summer interns roaming the halls. I remember those days; we used to call them skinterns. But I digress.
As always, the Silverback fights by Thunderdome Rules: Two enter, one leaves. Today, each will enter the field of battle from opposite ends of the floor: our Silverback (2-0, this series; 37-0-4 lifetime) from Senior Counsel Arthur Lessing’s office, the challenger from the mail room.
Let’s turn now and take a closer look at what our Silverback is up against today.
Profile of the Challenger
Coming to us all the way from the Pleistocene epoch with a little help from our friends at International Genetics (InGen) – the same geniuses who brought us the literally tons of fun that was Jurassic Park – we have a wonderfully recreated specimen of Smilodon fatalis, better known as a Sabretooth Tiger.
Weighing in at just over 500 lbs and standing 50 inches high at the shoulder, the Sabretooth’s InGen handlers have done a remarkable job of beefing him up. We have reports of this particular Smilodon – I just love saying that – cutting his teeth on some of the toughest animals from the last 100 million years. There are even rumors of him taking out an entire pride of lions on his own in under an hour.
Although thought to have been a social carnivore like those lions, this big cat is trained to go it alone, and is flying solo today. Earlier, our sideline report Morgan Kingsley attempted an interview with the Sabretooth’s handlers, but, true to their reputation, the men from InGen said not a word. The Tiger seemed content to rest up before the big match and was napping in his cage.
Let’s go now to Morgan Kingsley live with the Silverback. Morgan.
Interview with the Silverback
MORGAN: Thanks, Chris. I’m here with our Silverback. Mr. Silverback, you’ve taken a little longer than usual to recover from your last fight against the Cajun Alligator. What have you been doing over the last two weeks to prepare for this match against the Sabretooth Tiger?
SILVERBACK: Read Jurassic Park again. Watch Ice Age 1 and 2.
MORGAN: What about your workout routine? I hear it’s been pretty intense despite the wounds you suffered against the alligator in Louisiana.
SILVERBACK: Trainer make me do montage from Rocky IV. I also nap.
MORGAN: And what have you done to prepare yourself mentally?
SILVERBACK: Do cocaine and lift weights all day. Sad, no trident today.
MORGAN: Thanks, Mr. Silverback. Well, there you have it folks. He really wants a piece of that Tiger. Back to you, Chris.
SBSN Analysis: Facts and Statistics
Sabretooth Tiger
- Scientific Name: Smilodon fatalis
- Key Advantages Today: Teeth, claws, size, weight
- Sparring record against Velociraptor: 2-2-1
- Favorite Quote from “Ice Age”: Go fuck yourself.
- In high school, voted Most Likely to Not Freeze to Death
Silverback
- Scientific Name: Gorilla gorilla gorilla
- Key Advantages Today: Opposable thumbs, use of tools, ability to work fax machine
- Owns Jurassic Park on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
- In high school, voted Most Likely to Get Angry and Break Everything
Today’s fight lasted a little longer than most of the other fights on the Silverback Sports Network, and we have the highlights for you after the jump.
Highlights from the Fight
0:00 The bell sounds and the fight is on. The referee’s assistants dutifully lock the doors to the elevator lobby, stairwells, and emergency exits. Unfortunately for the lawyers and everyone else who work on the 10th floor of Frost Bank Tower, they’re stuck here until a winner is declared.
0:30 Apparently a little slow to wake up from his nap, the Sabretooth is now slowly lumbering out of the mail room on the east end of the office. Over on the west end, the Silverback seems to have concerned himself more with Melanie Jorgensen, a summer associate in her second year of law school at the University of Texas and previously an extremely active member of Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority at Texas Tech University.
1:00 While the Silverback picks at Melanie Jorgensen’s salad outside the Senior Counsel’s office, the Sabretooth has begun making his way through the office toward the Silverback. The workers running as soon as they realize a giant prehistoric tiger is roaming the halls of their office. I don’t think this building has seen this much panic since the Mortgage Department got caught shredding documents back in 2008.
7:28 The Silverback has finally started making his way down the corridor in search of the Sabretooth. He doesn’t look nearly as impressive when he’s just strolling like this through a cubicle farm as he does when he’s, say, jumping from a fence onto a charging rhinoceros or cracking two chimpanzees’ skulls together. Nevertheless, this Silverback is sneakily formidable. He’s stopping to check the offices of the junior attorneys. Nothing so far. The gorilla pokes his head into Daniel McDevitt’s office and sniffs the air. His face tightens. OUT COMES THE SABRETOOTH!!! Both front paws slam into the Silverback’s shoulders and the gorilla falls to the ground. The Tiger snarls and drool drips from his enormous teeth. The Silverback kicks both legs against the Tiger’s underbelly. The Sabretooth howls and the gorilla rolls free. The Silverback bolts for the cubicles. Tiger in hot pursuit.
12:51 The Sabretooth is circling the now-abandoned cubes sniffing out the Silverback. We can see the gorilla perched silently atop the wall between Adam Mikelsson’s and Valerie Milam’s cubes. The Tiger has looped around and is now sniffing the ground between Valerie Milam’s cube and the glass conference room where most of the employees, including Mikelsson and Milam, have taken refuge. The Silverback’s legs tense. He dives off the top of the cubicles and broadsides the Sabretooth. The tangled pair go crashing through the glass window into the conference room. Glass shards fly everywhere. The staff of the Frost Bank Legal Department shriek in palpable terror and cower behind the conference table. The only thing between them and the asphalt 10 floors below is another thick glass window. Valerie Milam makes a run for the door. The Tiger pounces on her, his teeth go right into her neck. While the Tiger is distracted, the Silverback picks up a large shard of glass and flings it at the Sabretooth, cutting a long gash in the Tiger’s side.
19:03 The Silverback waits for the Sabretooth back in the cube farm. The Tiger charges the gorilla full speed. The Silverback reaches into a cube and grabs what looks like a Herman Miller Aeron Chair. He slams it down on the Tiger’s head and the Sabretooth goes down! The Silverback takes advantage of this lull in the fight and heads for a more advantageous position in the office.
28:24 Almost ten minutes have passed with little more than a breathtaking chase through this 10th floor office. Both the Silverback and the Sabretooth seem to be waiting for something, but it’s not clear what that actually is. Meanwhile, the 40-odd humans who haven’t been mauled during the course of the brawl have locked themselves in the offices at either end of the suite. Now the gorilla and the tiger are on opposite sides of the same cube bank. The Sabretooth dives across a desk and crashes through the wall, landing with a roll in front of the Silverback. The gorilla leaps onto a desk and rips the computer monitor up from its plugs. He hurls it at the tiger and misses. The Silverback leaps to the next desk and grabs its monitor. He chucks the enormous CRT monitor at the Sabretooth and grazes its back leg. The tiger lets out a deafening growl. The Silverback jumps across the aisle onto another desk. He yanks the monitor out from its sockets and tosses it at the tiger. It dodges the monitor brick and dives at the Silverback. The gorilla pulls the keyboard up from the desk by the cord and swings it around his head, smacking the Sabretooth square in the face. The keyboard nunchuck can’t be a very effective weapon, but I can only imagine how much it stings to get hit in the face with one of those.
32:16 The battle has moved into the Tiger’s corner and the two beasts are trashing the mail room. The Sabretooth charges the Silverback and head-butts him, pinning him against a file cabinet. The Silverback reaches around the Sabretooth’s front legs and locks his arms. I’m not sure what move the gorilla is about to attempt. It looks like the Silverback is shifting his weight… And the Sabretooth is thrown into the Xerox document center! The intern goes scrambling! There is no way that Ryan the intern is going to get his 500 copies made by 2pm! Good luck getting that full-time offer now, kid. The rising junior at DePauw will also probably never regain his sense of smell after that.
44:43 Fighting in close quarters seems to have leveled the playing field in favor of the Silverback. The mail room has proved a surprisingly favorable environment to the gorilla as it gives him plenty of high ground and limits the ability of the Sabretooth to get a running start. The Silverback grabs a paper-cutter from the shelf. The Sabretooth hunches back, preparing to pounce. The gorilla holds the paper-cutter but the hand and raises it over his head. The Tiger lunges at him. Silverback brings the paper-cutter down hard on the Sabretooth’s head. We hear a crack. The Sabretooth shudders and stumbles. It looks like that base of the paper-cutter has broken off. The Silverback is left with just the cutter blade in his hands. The Tiger is still stunned. Seeing his opportunity, the Silverback brings the office machete down on the Sabretooth’s skull. A big crack opens up right in the middle. The Tiger roars and the gorilla takes a side swing at the Sabretooth’s neck. Blood is spurting out of what must be the Tiger’s carotid artery. The Silverback raises the cutter blade above his head and brings it down on the Sabretooth’s skull again. The Tiger collapses onto the mail room floor. I wonder how well that shredder handles prehistoric tiger blood. Smilodon not smiling anymore.
Decision
Silverback after 45:17, mostly for creatively lethal use of tools.
I don't know how I found this but wow just wow
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