50 Humans in a Backyard Octagon

Introduction to the Match-Up
Today’s match-up on the Silverback Sports Network (SBSN) brings us to a UFC regulation Octagon in a backyard in South Florida that appears to have once been used for amateur backyard wrestling. It is a balmy 88 degrees, but under this sun and with humidity in excess of 60%, it certainly feels closer to 100 out here. No doubt this tilts the odds even more heavily toward the silverback.

The mosquitoes are really swarming today. We can see the human fighters as well as most of the crowd swatting furiously at the air. Others appear to have resigned themselves to being bitten and have turned to increasing their blood alcohol as a way to punish the insects ex post facto.
The fence of this Octagon has not been altered in any way. This should prove interesting given the prodigious jumping and climbing abilities of the silverback, and the generally abysmal physical acumen of humans.

The format of today’s match is a Thunderdome-style fight-to-the-death. At least five humans must be in the Octagon at all times, and only five humans may be in the Octagon at a time for the first 10 minutes, at which point whoever is left will be able to bum-rush the silverback in an attempt to overwhelm him.

Let’s take a deeper look at today’s event.

Profile of the Challenger
The 50 humans gathered here – some naysayers in the neighborhood say forced – have apparently never been in a fight together, and there is some evidence that several of them have never been in a fight at all. In general, though, this group of 40 men and 10 women seems to be in decent fitness and in any other circumstance would be a menacing force.

We spoke to a few of the humans during warm-ups.

“I’ve totally gone to town on chunkier bitches than that old monkey,” said Randy Appleton, 29, an apprentice welder from outside Orlando. It was unclear if Appleton was referring to other lesser primates or a past sexual parter.

Rebekah Mikelson, human co-captain, a semi-professional MMA fighter and 2008 South Florida regional medalist, took a less optimistic tone: “These gorillas are renowned for their super-strength. This is basically like fighting The Thing and The Incredible Hulk wrapped into one very hairy package. Given our sheer numbers, we might be able to exhaust him, but I’m not sure we can completely overpower him. Our strategy today is to play him to a draw.”

The fighting tactics of the humans will be fascinating to observe as we get underway in just a few minutes. But first, let’s talk to the silverback.

Interview with the Silverback
SBSN: How are you feeling about this match-up today?
Silverback: Mostly hungry, and a little bit tired.
SBSN: Are there any humans you worry about, in terms of their fighting abilities?
Silverback: The women. Women like to kick balls. Not happy.
SBSN: What is your strategy for this fight?
Silverback: Rip off arms of first group. Use as weapons against rest.
SBSN: That sounds difficult – and a bit gruesome.
Silverback: Drank Red Bulls today.

Facts and Statistics
A few interesting facts about our competitors today from the SBSN Stats & Analysis Desk:

Humans
- Combined Weight: 10,000 lbs
- Average Height: 5’ 10”
- Number of convicted felons: 11
- Combined number of tribal pattern and barbed wire tattoos: 67
- Favorite song: Miley Cyrus – “Party in the USA”

Silverback
- Weight: 400 lbs
- Height: 5’ 8”
- 7 wives
- 19 children
- Favorite song: Bananarama – “Cruel Summer (Death Metal Remix)”

Play-by-Play
0:00 The first five humans enter the Octagon. Silverback climbs atop the cage. Jumps onto them, toppling them like bowling pins.

0:20 Silverback has drawn first blood, removing an arm from one of the men. The man passes out from blood loss and another human enters the cage.

0:40 Silverback, teeth bared, grabs two men and throws them out of the Octagon. While not technically a kill, leaving the cage while the opponent is still standing is an automatic disqualification.

1:00 We are down to 40 humans after just one minute of battle. This is certainly going worse for them than most predicted before the start of the match.

1:10 The first woman has just entered the cage. She is extremely agile, climbing already to the top of the fence. While her teammates are busy being mauled by the hungry silverback, she stands poised to jump onto his back. I’m not sure this is a very good idea. Gorillas have very long arms, and become easily agitated when anything touches their backs.

1:15 The first woman is down, having been pulled off the gorilla’s back and snapped over his knee.

1:20 Amid the commotion from the woman’s attempted jump-attack, it looks like three men are trying to pull off a table top move on the silverback. One man has crouched behind the gorilla and the other two are charging him at full speed from the front. The silverback grabs each man in one hand and flings him against the fence, falling back on the crouching man in the process. 30 humans left.

1:45 In a peculiar tactical twist, the humans have 5 women in the Octagon. The women appear to be coordinating their attack in Spanish – or maybe Portuguese. In any event, all five are running counterclockwise around the Octagon. The silverback seems confused and a bit dazed by this, struggling to keep his eyes on all 5 as they move quickly around him. He dives at the nearest woman, grabs her by the ankles, and returns to the center of the cage. He’s started to swing her around like a giant club. One, two, three, four women toppled as the silverback reminds us all that the lower primates can and will use any tools available to them.

2:10 With only 20 humans left, things are looking pretty grim. The silverback for his part, though, is starting to slow down. It’s taking him more effort to crush each man as the match enters its third minute.

2:15 We can start to focus on some of the individual human fighters as each takes on the silverback for a few seconds at a time. #17 Martin Jackson has tried head-butting and biting the silverback, only to be severely disappointed when the silverback returned the favor.

2:30 15 humans left as the silverback made surprisingly short work of the last 5

2:45 Another all-female group has entered the Octagon for the humans and are attempting another coordinated attack. Co-captain Mikelson is among this quintet. It looks like the women are shouting at the silverback, trying to distract him, or perhaps confuse him. He certainly seems to be getting annoyed with them – but, let’s face it, who wouldn’t get annoyed with five women yelling and screaming at him?

2:55 The women rush the silverback at the same time, taking him completely by surprise. He falls to the ground and a dog-pile begins to form. This might be an astonishing upset for the humans!

3:00 The silverback has just stood up from under the dog-pile. Three women are clinging to his back – we all remember how well that goes over – and two others are grappling with his rather stumpy legs. The gorilla spins his torso and one of the women from his back goes flying into the fence. He slams the remaining two from on top into the two clinging to his legs. The women crumple to the mat.

3:05 The silverback is climbing the fence and now stands poised to deliver a blow more often seen in WWF than in nature. There he goes! Arms and legs splayed out! BOOOM he lands on all four women, flattening their bodies against the mat again. Now he’s grabbed one around the neck and is picking her up. It looks like he’s going for a suplex – he is! Oh my, right into two of the others still on the ground. What might have been an upset for the humans has instead shifted dramatically toward the upsetting.

3:30 After a few piledrivers and body slams, the last of the women are finished and only 10 humans remain. In what appears to be sheer desperation, all 10 rush into the Octagon and simultaneously attack the silverback. Several men land good shots against the gorilla’s head, and he certainly appears a bit dizzy. One by one, however, the silverback picks them off and – I suppose this is the hunger he mentioned during the interview before the fight – has started to bite their faces. You’ll recall that silverbacks have terrifyingly long and sharp canine teeth on their upper and lower jaws. It is literally a bloodbath here in South Florida.

Decision
Silverback after 4:15 of combat.