Alligator in a Cajun Shack

Tonight’s match-up on the Silverback Sports Network brings us to a small wooden house on stilts over a swamp somewhere in Evangeline Parish, southern Louisiana, where our Silverback (1-0, this series; 36-0-4, lifetime) will face the local champion wrestling alligator (29-0-2).

It’s nearly 90 degrees, well over 90% humidity in this swamp, and the forecast calling for scattered thunderstorms tonight. It’s not clear how many people ordinarily would live in this house, but this place has been emptied of whatever furniture might have previously filled the shack and packed instead with about 120 Cajuns of every shape and size. No accordions here tonight, folks – just strings of 100-watt light bulbs and the smell of homemade swamp juice.

According to locals interviewed earlier today, this shack is owned by a Mr. Alcide Thibodeaux. In addition to being Evangeline Parish’s premier venue for the Gulf Coast Alligator Wrestling League, this is apparently a popular venue for underground gator wrestling and off-track gator betting. Thibodeaux claims to live here with his wife, three sons, and five daughters.

Tonight’s fight is a one-round fight to the death. The only rule is that the fight must begin inside the shack.

This crowd came to see two forces of nature bring the pain and that’s what’s about to happen here in just a few minutes. But first, let’s get to know a little about the great gator who’s stepping up against our Silverback tonight.

Profile of the Challenger

Today’s challenger competes under the name Ren & Stimpy’s Powdered Toast, but his handlers call him simply Remy. Remy is easily double our Silverback’s size, measuring nearly 13 feet long and weighing in at almost 800 pounds.

It’s not commonly known outside the Acadian gator-wrestling world, top-tier wrestling alligators are bred and named much like thoroughbred racehorses. Past Champions Grand du Monde, as these alligators are known here in Louisiana and in the sister leagues in Quebec and Haiti, include an impressive list of ferocious gators, among them: Zydeco Zidane Zederby, My Beauregard to Your Mother, Dempsey Le Duc, and Dagobert. Today’s gator Remy’s lineage includes a cousin of Zydeco Zidane Zederby and My Beauregard to Your Mother’s sister Ysabeau.

We got a few minutes of Alcide Thibodeaux’s time earlier this evening.

Thibodeaux: Remy is a extremely feisty bebette, to komprann? He train relentless and really have de ahnvee to win tonight.

SBSN: Tell us a little about his training regiment.

Thibodeaux: Dis gator he like to wressle wit some of the convicts what dat escape from de parish jail. Dees fellas come wandrin out here in de swamp and dey jus get lawst. Dey all real desprit, so most a dem really put up a good fight gainst him.

SBSN: So he trains by challenging – and presumably eating – escaped criminals?

Thibodeaux: Well, you outta see what dey do to train de caimans in de Port Au Prince leagues. Say, you got any pot on you?

SBSN: Um, no.

Thibodeaux: Ittabe a lot cooler if you did.

Definitely an interesting approach from the Cajuns. Let’s check in with the Silverback.

Interview with the Silverback

SBSN: How are you feeling about tonight’s fight?

Silverback: I one time eat alligator at Zoo San Diego. Or maybe crocodile. Don’t remember.

SBSN: So are you confident that you can defeat Remy?

Silverback: He only two my size.

SBSN: So you think you can take him?

Silverback: Shut mouth, you stupid. I break his legs.

SBSN: What about those jaws and that tail? What’s your strategy for dealing with those?

Silverback: Kill gator before gator use jaws and tail.

SBSN: Any Red Bull as part of your fight day diet this time around?

Silverback: Hungover this morning so drank Sparks instead.

Facts and Statistics

A few interesting items about tonight's contenders from the nerds on the SBSN Stats & Analysis Desk:

Alligator

• Favorite band: Arcade Fire
• Second favorite band: Nickleback
• Lifetime number of accordions eaten: 17
• Most embarrassing moment: Once thought etoufee was a hairpiece
• Pre-wrestling career: Understudy in Lubriderm commercials

Silverback

• Once ate an entire caribou inside a Caribou Coffee
• Favorite YouTube clip: Pixels Attack (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQT_VoLtyIY, especially 1:29-1:37)
• Max bench: ~Nissan Maxima
• Most frequent use of marshmallows: Playing Chubby Bunny

Play-by-Play

0:00 That’s the bell and the fight is on. The gator snaps his jaws a few times viciously at the Silverback as the two circle each other in a ring largely made from old boat ropes. The Cajuns are really packing it in here, with another 50-75 people having joined since coverage of this match began.

0:10 The gator makes the first move, dashing at the Silverback. Silverback jumps over the gator, avoiding Remy’s bear-trap jaws. Clearly irritated already, Remy swings around, sweeping the legs out from under a few of the front row with his tail.

0:30 The first half-minute of battle has gone rather slowly as the two beastly warriors appear to be probing each other for weaknesses and tendencies. The crowd, for its part, seems content to continue placing side bets and drinking more of Alcide Thibodeaux’s special recipe.

0:50 Still circling each other with occasional lunges forward. The gator moves very quickly, despite being out of his element, but the Silverback has the jumping advantage.

1:35 Gator lunges, Silverback jumps to avoid, and lands on the gator’s tail. Gator swings around to bite the Silverback, but the gorilla jumps again.

4:25 By this point in the Silverback’s last fight, he had completely annihilated not just one challenger but fifty. His trainer and his manager have their heads in their hands in the corner. The sponsors are not going to be happy with this.

6:20 Not even worth updating, but since we have to live-blog this shit, may as well check in. SportsBook.com has the Silverback winning with the over/under at 7 minutes 20.5 seconds. I don’t see how that’s going to happen.

8:00 I have to say, this fight so far has been like watching middle schoolers perform “Waiting for Godot”. Not only does nothing happen, but the nothing isn’t even worth watching.

9:00 The first 9 minutes of this fight have been terrifically boring. It’s literally been the fight equivalent of watching soccer. These two keep dancing around each other. I’m frankly surprised that the Silverback hasn’t tried to throw a Cajun or two at the gator to distract him.

9:14 FIRST BLOOD!!! The gator lunges at the Silverback and snags a tiny piece of forearm. A few drops of blood spurt into the crowd. Incredible! Just as we were about to give up on this match, it goes and does something like this and TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF!

9:20 The Silverback is PISSED. He grabs a glass bottle from the front of the crowd and hurtles it at the gator’s head. The big lizard doesn’t see it coming and THUD the bottle bounces off his skull.

9:25 Now the gator is really getting into it. He charges the Silverback. The Silverback once again uses his jumping move, but this time he lands on the gator’s back. The Silverback is now relentlessly punching the gator’s head. I wouldn’t be surprised if the gator loses an eye pretty soon.

9:36: The gator manages to gyrate hard enough to throw the Silverback. The crowd gasps. The few in the crowd wearing the trademark Silverback white fan shirts are covering their eyes. This seems to portend bad things for the Silverback.

10:00 Rallying from the floor before the gator could pounce, the Silverback jumps on the alligator’s back and grips its jaw tightly. Pulling up like it’s a sledgehammer, the gorilla body slams the gator onto the old wooden floor. The boards splinter and the pair go crashing through into the swamp below.

10:15 The gator has landed in his element! Things aren’t looking good for the Silverback, folks.

10:20 The gator lunges at the Silverback with jaws wide open – all those nasty teeth glittering in the mix of moonlight and exposed incandescent bulbs. Wait! What’s this? He stopped short at least a yard in front the Silverback and snapped his jaws. It seems that he can’t see properly. That pounding the Silverback gave the gator’s eye earlier must have broken its depth perception. What an unfortunate turn for Ren & Stimpy’s Powdered Toast!

11:00 The Silverback has moved out from under the shack and into the adjacent wooded part of the swamp. The gator in hot pursuit, he climbed halfway up the trunk of a cypress tree and watched as the gator slammed into the base. I think the sounds we’re hearing from the Silverback are actually giggles.

11:30 After slamming into the cypress tree a couple of more times, the gator changes tactics. Now he’s swinging his tail against the trunk. The branches at the top of the tree are clearly shaking. I’m not sure how much longer the Silverback can keep his grip.

12:45 Over a minute has gone by and the Silverback seems content to wait for the alligator to get tired of slamming his tail against this tree.

14:12 The Silverback roars, taunting the alligator.

15:00 Lightening rips through the sky in the distance and the clouds open up. 90% humidity has given way to a hellish downpour.

15:20 Remy the gator has continued to smack the tree with his tail despite no progress in almost five minutes.

15:28 The Silverback’s grip starts to slip. The gator notices and opens his mouth wide, apparently gloating at what is ostensibly a tactical success.

15:35 The Silverback increases his grip and tries to shimmy back up the trunk of his cypress, but no luck. He has started to rub off the wet bark and is no slipping further down the trunk, closer to the gator waiting patiently, still battering the base of the tree.

16:00 Clearly sensing that he is about to end up exactly where he doesn’t want to be, the Silverback pushes off from the tree and flips into the water behind the alligator. As he lands, he lifts a small log out of the water, dead moss hanging from the end.

16:20 The gator has turned himself around and is eying the Silverback, who is now brandishing a wet swamp club.

16:30 The gator charges. The Silverback swings the log with both hands down onto the alligator’s skull. The gator pauses, dazed.

16:45 The gator falls back, swimming around behind another large cypress, leaving 15 or 20 yards between him and the Silverback.

17:00 The gator charges again. Apparently compensating for his loss of depth perception, he shows no sign of slowing down as he accelerates toward the Silverback.

17:04 The Silverback brings the swamp log down on the gator’s head again. Moss splatters. The log shatters. The gator sinks into the water. What can only be interpreted as a look of relief washes over the Silverback.

17:38 The gator jumps up out of the water, jaws wide open, heading straight for the Silverback’s chest. The gorilla jumps to dodge, but the gator’s teeth sink into the side of his leg. Blood spurts into the air as the alligator’s massive teeth rip the Silverback’s quadriceps.

18:00 The Silverback tries to move away from the gator, but Remy is just too fast in this swamp water. The gator jumps again, this time his teeth snag a bit of the gorilla’s left side. The gator clenches a toupee-sized chunk of furry darkness tightly between his jaws.

18:10 The Silverback scurries up the closest tree, bleeding badly. There are red pools in several spots out in the swamp. The gorilla is clearly looking to rest a little before heading back into the fray. The gator, however, isn’t having any of it. Going back to his earlier tactic of beating up the gorilla’s tree with his tail, Remy begins another attempt to destabilize the Silverback’s perch.

19:00 The Silverback is badly wounded. He has large gashes on his right leg and left side. There is a significant amount of blood in the water here in Evangeline Parish. What started out as total snoozefest has evolved into a knock-down, drag-out battle of near-epic proportions.

19:27 The Silverback jumps onto the gator’s back in an adrenaline-fueled burst of strength. He wraps his legs around the gator’s body and grabs the jaws with both hands, squeezing with every ounce of his remaining strength. The gator starts to thrash about in the shallow water.

24:23 After struggling with his mouth clamped shut for five minutes, Remy the gator has gone motionless, apparently given up. The Silverback limps back toward the shack through the red swamp water.

Decision

Silverback after 24 minutes of combat.