Sabretooth Tiger in a 10th Floor Office

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another installment of the top-rated show on the Silverback Sports Network. Today we bring you live coverage from the 10th floor of the Frost Bank Tower in downtown Austin, Texas. The 10th floor is the daytime home of the Legal Department and is a working office. According to the receptionist, at least 90% of the 150 people with desks on this floor showed up for work today.

The air here is an even 72 degrees, so there shouldn’t be any issues of overheating today.  Cubicles and hanging file cabinets dominate today’s arena.  Most of the unsuspecting people are lawyers, paralegals, and legal assistants.  We’ve heard there are even a few summer interns roaming the halls.  I remember those days; we used to call them skinterns.  But I digress.

As always, the Silverback fights by Thunderdome Rules: Two enter, one leaves.  Today, each will enter the field of battle from opposite ends of the floor: our Silverback (2-0, this series; 37-0-4 lifetime) from Senior Counsel Arthur Lessing’s office, the challenger from the mail room.

Let’s turn now and take a closer look at what our Silverback is up against today.

Profile of the Challenger

Coming to us all the way from the Pleistocene epoch with a little help from our friends at International Genetics (InGen) – the same geniuses who brought us the literally tons of fun that was Jurassic Park – we have a wonderfully recreated specimen of Smilodon fatalis, better known as a Sabretooth Tiger.

Weighing in at just over 500 lbs and standing 50 inches high at the shoulder, the Sabretooth’s InGen handlers have done a remarkable job of beefing him up.  We have reports of this particular Smilodon – I just love saying that – cutting his teeth on some of the toughest animals from the last 100 million years.  There are even rumors of him taking out an entire pride of lions on his own in under an hour.

Although thought to have been a social carnivore like those lions, this big cat is trained to go it alone, and is flying solo today.  Earlier, our sideline report Morgan Kingsley attempted an interview with the Sabretooth’s handlers, but, true to their reputation, the men from InGen said not a word.  The Tiger seemed content to rest up before the big match and was napping in his cage.

Let’s go now to Morgan Kingsley live with the Silverback.  Morgan.

Interview with the Silverback

MORGAN: Thanks, Chris.  I’m here with our Silverback.  Mr. Silverback, you’ve taken a little longer than usual to recover from your last fight against the Cajun Alligator.  What have you been doing over the last two weeks to prepare for this match against the Sabretooth Tiger?

SILVERBACK: Read Jurassic Park again.  Watch Ice Age 1 and 2.

MORGAN: What about your workout routine?  I hear it’s been pretty intense despite the wounds you suffered against the alligator in Louisiana.

SILVERBACK: Trainer make me do montage from Rocky IV.  I also nap.

MORGAN: And what have you done to prepare yourself mentally?

SILVERBACK: Do cocaine and lift weights all day.  Sad, no trident today.

MORGAN: Thanks, Mr. Silverback.  Well, there you have it folks.  He really wants a piece of that Tiger.  Back to you, Chris.

SBSN Analysis: Facts and Statistics

Sabretooth Tiger

• Scientific Name: Smilodon fatalis
• Key Advantages Today: Teeth, claws, size, weight
• Sparring record against Velociraptor: 2-2-1
• Favorite Quote from “Ice Age”: Go fuck yourself.
• In high school, voted Most Likely to Not Freeze to Death

Silverback

• Scientific Name: Gorilla gorilla gorilla
• Key Advantages Today: Opposable thumbs, use of tools, ability to work fax machine
• Owns Jurassic Park on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
• In high school, voted Most Likely to Get Angry and Break Everything

Today’s fight lasted a little longer than most of the other fights on the Silverback Sports Network, and we have the highlights for you after the jump.

Upcoming Silverback Matches

First, we took you to south Florida where we settled the burning question of Silverback vs. 50 Humans.  Last week, we brought you to the swamps of southern Louisiana and the heart of Cajun Country for a brawl with an alligator.  Right now our Silverback is resting up for this week's fight.  The event promoters and the gorilla's agent are keeping the identity of the opponent secret for now.  Our sources on the inside -- it's not not the Gorilla's agent's assistant -- tell us it might be one of the following:

• Sabretooth Tiger;
• Crew of the Sea Shepherd Steve Irwin ("Whale Wars" is why the DVR is even plugged in on Fridays);
• A gang of six orangutans; and,
• A home/home/neutral best-of-three vs. a Polar Bear.

Or it might not be any of those.  Stay plugged in for the latest.  If there's a match-up you'd like to see, sound off in the comments.

Alligator in a Cajun Shack

Tonight’s match-up on the Silverback Sports Network brings us to a small wooden house on stilts over a swamp somewhere in Evangeline Parish, southern Louisiana, where our Silverback (1-0, this series; 36-0-4, lifetime) will face the local champion wrestling alligator (29-0-2).

It’s nearly 90 degrees, well over 90% humidity in this swamp, and the forecast calling for scattered thunderstorms tonight. It’s not clear how many people ordinarily would live in this house, but this place has been emptied of whatever furniture might have previously filled the shack and packed instead with about 120 Cajuns of every shape and size. No accordions here tonight, folks – just strings of 100-watt light bulbs and the smell of homemade swamp juice.

According to locals interviewed earlier today, this shack is owned by a Mr. Alcide Thibodeaux. In addition to being Evangeline Parish’s premier venue for the Gulf Coast Alligator Wrestling League, this is apparently a popular venue for underground gator wrestling and off-track gator betting. Thibodeaux claims to live here with his wife, three sons, and five daughters.

Tonight’s fight is a one-round fight to the death. The only rule is that the fight must begin inside the shack.

This crowd came to see two forces of nature bring the pain and that’s what’s about to happen here in just a few minutes. But first, let’s get to know a little about the great gator who’s stepping up against our Silverback tonight.

Profile of the Challenger

Today’s challenger competes under the name Ren & Stimpy’s Powdered Toast, but his handlers call him simply Remy. Remy is easily double our Silverback’s size, measuring nearly 13 feet long and weighing in at almost 800 pounds.

It’s not commonly known outside the Acadian gator-wrestling world, top-tier wrestling alligators are bred and named much like thoroughbred racehorses. Past Champions Grand du Monde, as these alligators are known here in Louisiana and in the sister leagues in Quebec and Haiti, include an impressive list of ferocious gators, among them: Zydeco Zidane Zederby, My Beauregard to Your Mother, Dempsey Le Duc, and Dagobert. Today’s gator Remy’s lineage includes a cousin of Zydeco Zidane Zederby and My Beauregard to Your Mother’s sister Ysabeau.

We got a few minutes of Alcide Thibodeaux’s time earlier this evening.

Thibodeaux: Remy is a extremely feisty bebette, to komprann? He train relentless and really have de ahnvee to win tonight.

SBSN: Tell us a little about his training regiment.

Thibodeaux: Dis gator he like to wressle wit some of the convicts what dat escape from de parish jail. Dees fellas come wandrin out here in de swamp and dey jus get lawst. Dey all real desprit, so most a dem really put up a good fight gainst him.

SBSN: So he trains by challenging – and presumably eating – escaped criminals?

Thibodeaux: Well, you outta see what dey do to train de caimans in de Port Au Prince leagues. Say, you got any pot on you?

SBSN: Um, no.

Thibodeaux: Ittabe a lot cooler if you did.

Definitely an interesting approach from the Cajuns. Let’s check in with the Silverback.

Interview with the Silverback

SBSN: How are you feeling about tonight’s fight?

Silverback: I one time eat alligator at Zoo San Diego. Or maybe crocodile. Don’t remember.

SBSN: So are you confident that you can defeat Remy?

Silverback: He only two my size.

SBSN: So you think you can take him?

Silverback: Shut mouth, you stupid. I break his legs.

SBSN: What about those jaws and that tail? What’s your strategy for dealing with those?

Silverback: Kill gator before gator use jaws and tail.

SBSN: Any Red Bull as part of your fight day diet this time around?

Silverback: Hungover this morning so drank Sparks instead.

Facts and Statistics

A few interesting items about tonight's contenders from the nerds on the SBSN Stats & Analysis Desk:

Alligator

• Favorite band: Arcade Fire
• Second favorite band: Nickleback
• Lifetime number of accordions eaten: 17
• Most embarrassing moment: Once thought etoufee was a hairpiece
• Pre-wrestling career: Understudy in Lubriderm commercials

Silverback

• Once ate an entire caribou inside a Caribou Coffee
• Favorite YouTube clip: Pixels Attack (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQT_VoLtyIY, especially 1:29-1:37)
• Max bench: ~Nissan Maxima
• Most frequent use of marshmallows: Playing Chubby Bunny

50 Humans in a Backyard Octagon

Introduction to the Match-Up
Today’s match-up on the Silverback Sports Network (SBSN) brings us to a UFC regulation Octagon in a backyard in South Florida that appears to have once been used for amateur backyard wrestling. It is a balmy 88 degrees, but under this sun and with humidity in excess of 60%, it certainly feels closer to 100 out here. No doubt this tilts the odds even more heavily toward the silverback.

The mosquitoes are really swarming today. We can see the human fighters as well as most of the crowd swatting furiously at the air. Others appear to have resigned themselves to being bitten and have turned to increasing their blood alcohol as a way to punish the insects ex post facto.
The fence of this Octagon has not been altered in any way. This should prove interesting given the prodigious jumping and climbing abilities of the silverback, and the generally abysmal physical acumen of humans.

The format of today’s match is a Thunderdome-style fight-to-the-death. At least five humans must be in the Octagon at all times, and only five humans may be in the Octagon at a time for the first 10 minutes, at which point whoever is left will be able to bum-rush the silverback in an attempt to overwhelm him.

Let’s take a deeper look at today’s event.

Profile of the Challenger
The 50 humans gathered here – some naysayers in the neighborhood say forced – have apparently never been in a fight together, and there is some evidence that several of them have never been in a fight at all. In general, though, this group of 40 men and 10 women seems to be in decent fitness and in any other circumstance would be a menacing force.

We spoke to a few of the humans during warm-ups.

“I’ve totally gone to town on chunkier bitches than that old monkey,” said Randy Appleton, 29, an apprentice welder from outside Orlando. It was unclear if Appleton was referring to other lesser primates or a past sexual parter.

Rebekah Mikelson, human co-captain, a semi-professional MMA fighter and 2008 South Florida regional medalist, took a less optimistic tone: “These gorillas are renowned for their super-strength. This is basically like fighting The Thing and The Incredible Hulk wrapped into one very hairy package. Given our sheer numbers, we might be able to exhaust him, but I’m not sure we can completely overpower him. Our strategy today is to play him to a draw.”

The fighting tactics of the humans will be fascinating to observe as we get underway in just a few minutes. But first, let’s talk to the silverback.

Interview with the Silverback
SBSN: How are you feeling about this match-up today?
Silverback: Mostly hungry, and a little bit tired.
SBSN: Are there any humans you worry about, in terms of their fighting abilities?
Silverback: The women. Women like to kick balls. Not happy.
SBSN: What is your strategy for this fight?
Silverback: Rip off arms of first group. Use as weapons against rest.
SBSN: That sounds difficult – and a bit gruesome.
Silverback: Drank Red Bulls today.

Facts and Statistics
A few interesting facts about our competitors today from the SBSN Stats & Analysis Desk:

Humans
- Combined Weight: 10,000 lbs
- Average Height: 5’ 10”
- Number of convicted felons: 11
- Combined number of tribal pattern and barbed wire tattoos: 67
- Favorite song: Miley Cyrus – “Party in the USA”

Silverback
- Weight: 400 lbs
- Height: 5’ 8”
- 7 wives
- 19 children
- Favorite song: Bananarama – “Cruel Summer (Death Metal Remix)”

50 Humans in The Octagon

Stay tuned for the first edition of Silverback Gorilla Vs., in which our Silverback will take on 50 humans in the UFC Octagon.

Got a match-up you'd like to see? Sound off in the comments!