Introduction to the Match-Up
Today’s match-up on the Silverback Sports Network (SBSN) brings us to a UFC regulation Octagon in a backyard in South Florida that appears to have once been used for amateur backyard wrestling. It is a balmy 88 degrees, but under this sun and with humidity in excess of 60%, it certainly feels closer to 100 out here. No doubt this tilts the odds even more heavily toward the silverback.
The mosquitoes are really swarming today. We can see the human fighters as well as most of the crowd swatting furiously at the air. Others appear to have resigned themselves to being bitten and have turned to increasing their blood alcohol as a way to punish the insects ex post facto.
The fence of this Octagon has not been altered in any way. This should prove interesting given the prodigious jumping and climbing abilities of the silverback, and the generally abysmal physical acumen of humans.
The format of today’s match is a Thunderdome-style fight-to-the-death. At least five humans must be in the Octagon at all times, and only five humans may be in the Octagon at a time for the first 10 minutes, at which point whoever is left will be able to bum-rush the silverback in an attempt to overwhelm him.
Let’s take a deeper look at today’s event.
Profile of the ChallengerThe 50 humans gathered here – some naysayers in the neighborhood say forced – have apparently never been in a fight together, and there is some evidence that several of them have never been in a fight at all. In general, though, this group of 40 men and 10 women seems to be in decent fitness and in any other circumstance would be a menacing force.
We spoke to a few of the humans during warm-ups.
“I’ve totally gone to town on chunkier bitches than that old monkey,” said Randy Appleton, 29, an apprentice welder from outside Orlando. It was unclear if Appleton was referring to other lesser primates or a past sexual parter.
Rebekah Mikelson, human co-captain, a semi-professional MMA fighter and 2008 South Florida regional medalist, took a less optimistic tone: “These gorillas are renowned for their super-strength. This is basically like fighting The Thing and The Incredible Hulk wrapped into one very hairy package. Given our sheer numbers, we might be able to exhaust him, but I’m not sure we can completely overpower him. Our strategy today is to play him to a draw.”
The fighting tactics of the humans will be fascinating to observe as we get underway in just a few minutes. But first, let’s talk to the silverback.
Interview with the Silverback
SBSN: How are you feeling about this match-up today?
Silverback: Mostly hungry, and a little bit tired.
SBSN: Are there any humans you worry about, in terms of their fighting abilities?
Silverback: The women. Women like to kick balls. Not happy.
SBSN: What is your strategy for this fight?
Silverback: Rip off arms of first group. Use as weapons against rest.
SBSN: That sounds difficult – and a bit gruesome.
Silverback: Drank Red Bulls today.
Facts and Statistics
A few interesting facts about our competitors today from the SBSN Stats & Analysis Desk:
Humans
- Combined Weight: 10,000 lbs
- Average Height: 5’ 10”
- Number of convicted felons: 11
- Combined number of tribal pattern and barbed wire tattoos: 67
- Favorite song: Miley Cyrus – “Party in the USA”
Silverback
- Weight: 400 lbs
- Height: 5’ 8”
- 7 wives
- 19 children
- Favorite song: Bananarama – “Cruel Summer (Death Metal Remix)”
